Every bone in my body craves something that this city can't give me. I want my eyes to see things that will age and mature them but also put a child's spark in them. I want to pick at different cultures and carry them along with me. I don't want to live my life in a bubble and miss out on things. I want to live. Everyday I wake up hoping that by merely sleeping my life's cracks and gaps have been molded back together. Sometimes I think that if I would've just slept a couple hours longer than it could've happened. Clearly I am looking for some sort of miracle. I tend to see more differences in things than similarities. Though I am unsure why. I am a typical girl; expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I believe that we all have one life, one chance to be who we want to be. Sure, we get second chances when we slip and make a mistake but we can't rewrite our whole lives. With every move you make and thing you say, you are writing your own life story. My sleeping schedule is hardly normal. If i had it my way I'd stay up all night laying in bed reading. I feel like I can be easily replaced. Though this is true, i will never admit it when I am because I just feel like I'm being silly and over-reacting. People preach to me and say this is the worst mistake to make, because if it isn't settled then it will turn into a bigger deal. What they don't know is that I already know this, that I have made this mistake countless times. I take their advice and I chew it up and spit it back out. It's just not something that I can easily swallow and put to use. I can't help it. And please don't jump to conclusions by thinking that this is just dealing with dating relationships, because that's far from the truth. I'm the most indecisive girl you will ever meet. The things that I am completely sure of in my life I can count on one hand. With my other hand i can count the people that i know are always going to be there for me. I find it humorous how skin is the largest organ of the human body and yet I'm still waiting for the day when i feel secure in it. I can't tell you how much I hate how melodramatic that sounds. I'm delicate and bruise like a peach, but I'm a tough cookie. Things have happened in my life that have taught me to shrug things off my shoulders and keep things to myself. And I really hate when people feel sorry for me. When things don't go my way I don't blame it on others, but blame it on myself. I believe that the reason why things don't go my way is my own fault. I let my failures define me more than I should. There are some dramatic things that will always stick with me, and I have accepted that. I'm a mess, a work in progress, and I have handfuls of anxieties. I've learned that loving someone and being afraid of losing someone are two totally different things. I wish I would've learned this sooner.i'm not the girl I once was. And I'm not the woman I'll be. Everything will fall into place. I don't want to tip-toe my way through the rest of my life staying "comfortable." I want to be hit with the things that scare me the most and open my eyes so big that they hurt. I think the only cure for my anxieties is to stare them dead-on in the face.
My skin has been injected with the summer sun's rays and i think it has also injected me with a more optimistic point of view. It has erased all the bone chilling fears i once had with a feeling of pure joy. Life looks good from where I'm standing; I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I dance to the beat of a new drum and i'm ready for wherever the wind blows me.